Last night, via some frantic MSN conversation, I had a quick catch up with a very old friend of mine. We hadn’t spoken in a couple of months and so I was filling her in on all the news of how this IVF has progressed, she, like everybody else seems convinced that this is it for me. I must be honest, everyone that is cheering me on in this manner make me really nervous. If you’ve never had IVF, you probably won’t understand, but a failed IVF is really not the same as a failed timed cycle or IUI. In comparison to those treatments, IVF is a massive financial, physical and emotional investment. Its hard and the fall from a BFN is like no other. Because of how my fertility journey has panned out, I’ve actually developed a kind of tongue in cheek theory. See, we started with timed cycles and then went straight to IVF, then backwards to IUI and then back to timed cycles. So by starting with the big guns and learning early on just how tough fertility treatment can be, it made coping with the IUI”s and Timed Cycle so much easier. I always joke and say that Dr’s should start all patients with an IVF, just because it makes coping with timed cycles and IUI’s so much easier. Not that I want to take away from anyone who’s battled in a 2ww, I know its all hard, its just that an IVF is hard in a very different kind of way.
So here I am back at the big guns again. I’m 3 days into the worst kind of 2ww and I’m battling. I’m scared that every-ones conviction is setting me up for a HUGE fall. I’m so afraid of coping with another failed IVF, of dealing with the pain and loss that one experiences. But at the same time I want to believe this is it as well but having never had a BFP from fertility ttreatment, lets just say I will be more surprised if the treatment is a success than if it fails.
But my conversation with my friend last night got me thinking about something very cleaver that she said, she asked me how I was feeling and I said I was hopeful. She told me I needed to change my hope into faith because having hope is like saying please but having faith is saying thank you.
So I’m trying to change my mindset to one of faith, I’m trying to have faith that this is it. She also told me to be specific when I prayed about it, to thank God for the details, so I’m trying to change my mind set. I’m trying to have faith and to believe that this round of treatment will yield a positive pregnancy, with a singleton, that will develop into a healthy pregnancy and a live birth and at full term.