The lifting of an invisible veil, a tiny little millimeter at a time. The lifting of a thick fog. The clearing of a haze. That is the only way I can describe what I have been experiencing in the last week.
Some of you may recall this post, well it’s been just over 3 weeks since I wrote that and 3 weeks since I started taking the AD’s & tranq’s. I’ve since weaned off the tranq’s and taking the AD’s exclusively and the difference started out as really subtle and in the last few days has become more and more noticeable, well to me anyway.
It was so subtle initially that I didn’t actually notice it. Until Monday night. After we’d been notified by our estate agent of the photo shoot scheduled for the following day, of our home and that she had 2 prospective buyers coming to view our property at the same time. I was bent over the dinning room table, carefully and precisely cutting and creating new photo frames of photo’s I’d had enlarged and printed earlier that day from our photo shoot in October. Walter walked in the room and commented: “Now this is how I know you to be!”
When I asked him what he meant he just mentioned to me that in the last year or so it was as if I had lost interest in everything. Our usually neat and tidy home had become cluttered, our grocery cupboard was in desperate need of a clean out and reorganize, Ava’s toys were desperate to be sorted and some packed away, her clothes needed to be sorted and those she had out grown packed away, our study was a mess of paper work, my kitchen cupboards had become so disorganized that one had to be careful when opening them, lest a pile of Tupperware fall out on one! All of these things I’ve managed to sort and get under control in the last 5 days.
It was then that it dawned on me…. I have been trapped in a kind of fog for the last year or so. I wouldn’t really say I was depressed, I never felt sad, I just felt frozen. I had no energy or desire to do anything except sit on the couch or go through the motions of things I had to get done. Most days I was coming home from work so exhausted that it took every ounce of my energy reserves just to stand in the kitchen and cook us dinner.
It was only last night, when I got home from work, quickly prepared supper and left it to cook and took Ava outside to kick her ball and play a bit of rough and tumble with her on the lawn, that I realized that there had indeed been this thick fog surrounding me for so long and only now that it had begun to lift did I even notice that it had ever even been there.
I’m feeling calmer than I have in ages and I have way more energy to do the every day things and the patience to spend time actually playing, not just mothering, but actually playing with Ava!
I’ve also started taking control & eliminating some of the things that made me feel pressured or anxious and this in turn has left me in a better place. One of the simplest changes I made was to make the decision, that in spite of having paid for Boot Camp, I’m quitting it. I simply don’t have the time available and the only time that was suitable was the 05h15 call, which meant that I was having a 04h45 start to my day, this left me feeling anxious that I was going to be exhausted when the alarm went off at said time and as a result of that I was unable to sleep with that worry hanging over me. Since making the decision to simply quit and to switch off my alarm, I’ve been sleeping soundly and waking up at exactly 6am without the sounds of an annoying alarm.
I really hope I continue to feel this good and to see the improvements in my own life continue and with it my interest in everything, aside from when I could squeeze in a nap, increase.
2012 … it’s going to be a great year!