The March of Time

In just over a month it will be my birthday, again. Ever wonder why that day seems to come around faster and faster every year? I remember, when I was younger, looking forward to my birthday, its funny how time marches on with or without us and how the years change us. My age never used to bother me, it was just a number but there was a fundamental shift in my thinking when I turned 35. Since then, I’ve no longer looked forward to birthdays, I dread them, I hate seeing my number clock higher and higher, I hate how I get closer and closer to 40 each year. Turning 36 was the weirdest birthday of my life, I CRIED! I was sad and depressed and my office through a surprise birthday breakfast for me, when they toasted with champers in the boardroom and asked how it was to be a year old, I actually shed a tear!!!!

I often wonder if my sadness at turning another year older has a lot to do with my infertility. I guess on some level it does scare me a lot. I mean, in just a few short months, W & I will be entering into our 8th year of TTC. I remember just barely surviving the first year of TTC, all of 30 years old, but thinking it wasn’t a big deal because I still had a good 10 years of TTC time left. Then before I knew it, we’d been TTC’ing for 4 years and I thought the world would end, I remember thinking that surely by the time we get to the 5th year we’ll have had success, 5 years is a LONG time. Then I turned 35 and we past the 5 years of TTCmark. I remember moving to my new clinic 6 months after turning 35 and having my new RE say that we had to hurry up with me as time was starting to run out. That stung and it was a sharp realization that I had to adopt a now or never approach.

Well hear I am, just over a month shy of my 37th birthday and now more than ever I realize time is running out for us. . The simple fact is that I’m not 30 years old anymore. I’m not even 32 or 33 years old anymore, I’m on the wrong side of 35, I’m on the downward slide to 40. I don’t have the time to enjoy long TTC breaks, we have to go balls to the walls because if the next 3 years pass as fast as the previous 7 years have past, then it will all be over in a blink of an eye and I could still be on a TTC break trying to decide what to do next.

I often look back at photo’s of my life and wonder where the time has gone, I can see the march of time on my face, especially in the last 10 years, the changes are fairly dramatic, I put together a little photo time-line to show you all:

just-me-27 Me @ 27, I wish I could still look like that!

yearbook-pic-1Me @ 30, two months prior to the devastation of my first miscarriage.

sharon-face-book-image Me @ 34, one week past my 6th devastating miscarriage.

sharon-facebook-1Me, one month shy of my 37th birthday.

I know everyone will try and tell me age is just a number and I know that it is, I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I’m coming towards the end of another decade of my life and the one thing that most people achieve during this decade I’ve been unable to do.

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  • Reply Lea White

    And you are just as stunning as ever!

    You know I felt panicky when I reached 30 suddenly realising that my 20s were behind me. I suddenly felt old and realised that I didn’t do as much as I wanted to or should have. Of course it doesn’t compare with your situation and the challenges you faced these past years.

    You are so right about time flying faster and faster. I remember a time when a weekend would feel long and school holidays like eternity…

    May 6, 2009 at 10:51 am
  • Reply Kirsty

    wow – hot chicky!! 😉 My SIL has an almost identical TTC history to you – started out when her and my BIL were 30/31… spin on a few years…. add on a few treatments… spin on a few more years, with a few more treatments!
    Well – I am pleased to announce that she is now 31 weeks pregnant, due in July…AND she is 39 in September!! So – it WILL happen, and I think the less aggressive approach of a FET is the way forward for you! x ( same with her!)

    May 6, 2009 at 11:53 am
  • Reply Elize

    I’m now confused, the only reason I thought you should take a break, is because you wanted to. You even told W that you should put off the FET until after your holiday?

    May 6, 2009 at 12:02 pm
  • Reply Sandy

    Hi Sharon,

    For whatever reason 36 was the birthday that pinched on me – but it had nothing to do with infertility, it was more that I was officially closer to 50 than I was to 20 (not to give you something else to think about). Most people think I’m strange for pinching at 36 instead of 30 or 40, but that’s the way it was for me. I’ve only met two others who had a 36 that pinched. For my mother it’s the 1s that she notices (41, 51, 61…).

    In terms of ttc – 38 was when we officially stopped ttc but didn’t prevent as well. It was this mental image I had in my mind of at 38 I would stop thinking about it and stressing about it. It seemed to work though I would still have periods of wistful sadness around holidays or other’s pregnancy announcements. Somehow setting a date in the future was easier than trying to decide right then what to do.

    I don’t think you need to take a year off of ttc, but I do support the idea of going to NZ and waiting for FET after that. I’ve always wanted to go to NZ and think it would be a perfect trip for dh and I to just be. But, of course, if you think that you’ll be on the trip wishing you had done FET instead, then it’s not really worth it. Only you can judge what’s right for you. Try not to listen to the rest of us, or if you do, look at your reactions to us and they may guide you into your heart since sometimes it’s tough to know what’s in there.

    Happy early birthday,


    May 6, 2009 at 12:04 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    The sadness is definately about infertility. My thirtieth was really really sad. I think it’s because you aren’t where you want to be in life. (((HUGS))))

    So how about that FET?

    May 6, 2009 at 1:23 pm
  • Reply Mands

    I think you are the only person who can decide what is best for you right now.

    May 6, 2009 at 2:29 pm
  • Reply Michelle

    Shaz – you are still beautiful – but you have “aged” well and you have more than one story to tell. Besides – before I had seen pics of you I knew you were a beautiful person from within. Don’t ever loose the ability to show others what a gorgeous person you are without ever having met you! That is something very special! Love and hugs.

    May 6, 2009 at 4:13 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    You are still beautiful!

    May 6, 2009 at 6:37 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    You’re beautiful, Shaz – having aged better than a lot of people do! Thinking of you as you approach your birthday.

    May 6, 2009 at 7:50 pm
  • Reply Emmah

    Wow, you still beautiful. My worst birthday was when i turned 30 and I am not looking forward to turn 35 next year.

    May 7, 2009 at 8:27 am
  • Reply Invivo

    I’ll just shut up here. I might just get slapped for complaining about turning 30…*sitting quietly watching, learning* *sigh*

    May 7, 2009 at 8:34 am
  • Reply stacey

    Beautiful then… beautiful now!

    I won’t say I fully understand how you feel, but I know that each passing year gets harder for me. It was awful watching my 20s slip away from me without a child, and time seems to be speeding up.

    You have lots of love and support here!


    May 7, 2009 at 9:01 am
  • Reply samcy

    You’re still a HOT chick 😉 no two ways about it!

    I know what you mean my friend, it seems that the closer you get to a certain age you have set in your head the worse the yearning becomes…and the luxury of taking long breaks is no longer a luxury, you have to plan your action a lot more carefully cos you feel like you don’t have the time left to do it in. Its all very confusing.

    When in doubt – write up a list! I always do it cos it forces me to be logical about my “challenge” being faced, and to not only rely on what my heart is saying.

    HUGS to you

    May 7, 2009 at 3:12 pm
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