The One About A Secret

I have been fiercely protective about the details surrounding Ava’s adoption, I’ve always maintained that the details of her adoption are for her and her alone, they are her story to tell and not mine and for that reason I will never share the details. Although they’re burned into my brain and stored away to be shared with her one day when the time is right.

Things like her birth fathers name, her birth mothers name, the details of their relationship, the reason’s behind their decision to place her, the possibility of half siblings, the ages of her birth parents, where they come from, what they do for a living etc etc etc. I am fiercely protective of this information, not just out of a desire to protect my child, but also as a way of honoring her birth mother.

Of course, I have shared small snippets of information, but that is only with my friends who have experienced adoption themselves, we are a subset of mothers with very different stories and experiences and for that reason we often share some of the more intimate details of our adoption journey’s because it is safe to do so with each other.There is an unspoken code of secrecy between us.

There is one little details I have kept buried deep inside me, a detail that was too terrifying to verbalize, call me superstitious, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about this details. This particular details has caused me to wake up in a cold sweat at night, a tight fist clenched around my heart, my stomach in a not, my heart racing as I’m wracked by the fear of what if….

With the passing of Ava’s 2nd birthday, that fear can now too be laid to rest. She is now well and truly ours and I never have to think about that detail again. While it was unlikely to occur, the mere possibility of it has seen me paralyzed by fear in the middle of the night when that what if thought found it’s way into my dreams.

So yesterday was a very special day for us, Ava’s 2nd birthday and laying to rest that one final what if…. Yesterday was so much more than just a 2nd birthday and it was a day filled with emotion that most parents will never ever know.

We celebrated it in a truly South African style, dinner at the Spur, complete with sparklers and the singing of Happy Birthday to our precious Ava-Grace.

A Right Of Passage

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  • Reply darylfaure

    What a nice Spur! Where is that one? What would a birthday be without a trip to the Spur? Hope they sang really nicely to you Ava Grace.

    December 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm
  • Reply emmah

    I can truly relate as an adoptive parent myself the are some things that sometimes keep me awake at night. I am glad that your fears has now being put into rest may God continue to bless your family with health, peace and joy.

    December 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm
  • Reply Jenny

    Sounds hectic Shaz but I am glad it worked out.

    December 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm
  • Reply Sian

    *big smile* Such a special girl …with such special parents!

    December 14, 2011 at 9:29 pm
  • Reply Jenty

    Huge congrats :)) glad that your fear wasn’t realised.

    December 14, 2011 at 11:03 pm
  • Reply Alet

    So happy you can finally stop holding your breath!
    Happy birthday Ava!

    December 15, 2011 at 12:44 am
  • Reply ems mommy

    Hey glad whatever it was that caused so much fear is now over

    December 15, 2011 at 5:44 am
  • Reply To Love Bella

    There is so much more to our BM than anyone knows. So much more – and I always think of these things when I look down at Isabella. I have shared NOTHING with anyone else, because if anyone needs to know these things first, it is Isabella. So I feel as strongly about it as you do.

    December 15, 2011 at 9:02 am
  • Reply Amber

    Sooo glad you can finally relax and breathe. We went through a similar experience that lasted about a year. It’s amazing how freeing it feels once the time is over!

    December 15, 2011 at 6:10 pm
  • Reply Julia

    So glad that you can relax and breathe and that you have found peace. ((hugs))x

    January 4, 2012 at 7:37 pm
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