So, there has been much discussion surrounding the bomb Walter dropped on me on Saturday. I think its understandable that aside from being a little shocked by his sudden change of heart, I’m also very apprehensive about the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I really want a second child, but I seriously cannot face going back to the way things were, certainly not for any extended period of time. I’ve enjoyed the past 5 months, never knowing when I’m ovulating, never knowing what cycle day I’m on, never knowing when AF is due. There has been so much freedom in that, not thinking about the “maybe this month…” or the pressure to perform even when neither of us is in the mood, cos you know, I’m ovulating and all that….
The fact of the matter is, that the whole don’t think about it and it will happen, I believe is utter bullshit. How can you not think about it. How can you not count your cycle days to make sure you have intercourse on the right days, how can you not think about the days in the lead up to AF, search for and analyze every possible symptom, simply put, you cannot, or rather I cannot just not think about it. Oh Lord, the thought of going back to that makes me feel quite positively sick!
But Walter wants to try, he wants to test the theory of… cringe… don’t stone me now… If you just relax it will happen! He wants to see if now that the pressure is off to have a child, if things won’t be somehow easier. If, now that we’re not stressed about never having a child, that things could potentially be different. And for his sake I have to try. So this is what we’ve agreed to. We will, for the next 7 months, try naturally. If, by some miracle I fall pregnant in that time and miscarry again, then we will call it quits. If by some miracle, I fall pregnant and everything works out, then we’ll have our second child. After all, I do believe in miracles! 🙂
However, if nothing happens, in spite of all the trying and obsessing and pee’ing on sticks, then in January 2011, we will arrange to meet with our social workers and put our names down for baby no. 2. It should be a simpler process the second time around as we’ve done all the screening and profiling and that should still all be on record. We’ll probably just have to re-do our profile now that we’re no longer childless. I know a while ago, I let you in on my secret plan for a second child and at the time I said I wanted to specify with the social workers that we wanted another girl. Well, we’ve had sometime to think about that and have decided against that. For one thing, it could potentially make the wait for a second child longer and secondly, I don’t want to play God in my own life, I’ll leave that decision in God’s hands and let him choose the perfect child for us.
Of course, I’ve always maintained that I’d be happy with one child, and while we have this plan in place, the simple fact of the matter is that a second child could just not be on the cards of us and all of our planning could be for nothing. We could not conceive in the next 7 months and we could not be selected by a birth mum for another adopted child. And our plans to emigrate are still very much on the cards and should nothing have happened within the next 2 or so years, we’ll have to retract our profile as we’re hoping to be emigrating by that time.
And that will be just fine as well, while I know I may be disappointed should my hope for a second child not come to fruition, I know how truly blessed we are to have the most incredible little girl as part of our lives and that will still be enough for me.