The Stupid Things People Say!

Somehow I’m not surprised that since passing through the gates of the ttc’er infertile to the mother after infertility, the stupid pearls of wisdom that people offer up are still coming. So brace yourself, this is a bit of a ranty post, but I need to get something off my chest, in a safe environment, otherwise, I’m likely to be rather unpleasant or downright rude to some unthinking sob out there in the real world.

So, here’s the deal. Sausage is NOT second best. She is the most beautiful child, hand picked for us by God. She is the greatest gift anyone can ever imagine. We did not just have a baby (note I’m not taking away anything from mom’s out there that have babies, just illustrating that there is a special kind of magic to adoption) Her birth mum placed a huge responsibility on mine and W’s shoulders, one we take extremely seriously, we love our child, this child, with every fiber of our beings, I would die to save this child. She has come into our lives and in 3 short weeks she has changed me in ways that I never knew possible. My priorities, the things that are important to me, the way I think, everything has changed since this beautiful child came into our lives. Our child.

She is NOT a means to an end, she is not a cure of infertility and she is not a fertility idol. So STOP with the BULL SHIT that now I’ll fall pregnant and have a child of my own. I have a child of my own! The most perfect child of my own, how dare you insult her and devalue her in such a manner.

And the self same people that keep making this stupid, insensitive statement are shocked and horrified to hear I’m on the pill and considering going onto the injection or getting a Merina in the next couple of months. They simply cannot understand why I don’t have a baby of my own now! They cannot see that I do have a baby of my own, the most precious child and it hurts me deeply when people say these stupid, unthinking and insensitive statements.

There are some lessons infertility has taught me that will never be unlearned, one of those is to think before I speak and to consider the possible answers before asking someone a question that could be hurtful or insensitive!

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  • Reply Invivo

    People can be pretty blind, unfortunately.

    Ava is such a precious gift and should be recognised as such. Forces much greater than biology brought you three together, and that my friend should be celebrated and honoured. For some of us that fact is more obvious than to others.

    Wishing you strength and wisdom to deal with those who fail to recognise that special bond.


    January 5, 2010 at 9:28 am
  • Reply McGinty

    Sharon, i am so happy for you that your little angel has finally arrived. Why are people so obsessed with genetics?! Ava is a soul and she has chosen you just the same as any baby chooses their parent.
    All the best to you and your little bundle of joy!

    January 5, 2010 at 9:35 am
  • Reply Tam

    Oh Shaz, people are really half baked and do say the most stupid things ever. That’s the one thing that I’ve learnt on this journey, people don’t get it, they have no friggin clue at all.

    I wish that they would learn to rather just say nothing instead of something insensitive just because they feel the need to open their stupid mouths!!!!!

    Ava is the most precious gift and she is yours, she will forever have that special place in your heart and ours.

    Lots of love my friend Xxx

    January 5, 2010 at 9:36 am
  • Reply Hela

    It’s horrible to read this. But unfortunately I can believe that there are people as dumb as that.

    Ava is most certainly not second best and she’s your little angel no matter what.
    And those going on about the birth control probably don’t know what it’s like being a new mom with a small baby. And they have also not walked in your shoes with your mind. It’s your life & your choices!

    Like Super M I too wish you strength.

    January 5, 2010 at 9:39 am
  • Reply Katherine

    I’m so sorry you have had to listen to such hurtful things. Please just know that the vast majority of us are still in awe of the amazing circumstances that brought Ava into your lives and we know that she will always be your very special daughter and gift directly from God.(And we say a special prayer of thanks for each day that takes you closer to Feb 13th).

    January 5, 2010 at 9:43 am
  • Reply Lea White

    I agree with you. Your daughter, your little girl is so precious. She was very much wanted, she was an answer to a prayer. One day Bianca asked me “Mommy how did I get born?” and I told her “we made a very special wish for a beautiful girl and then you came to join us” – and that is no different for you – you made a very special wish for a very special baby and then she came – simple as that. It doesn’t matter how.

    Shaz, don’t pay attention to those who say things that are hurtful. You just focus on your little family and on your beautiful daughter, on your moment and know that many of us are so very happy for you. And you know what? It doesn’t matter what anybody says because when Ava looks up into your eyes, you are her whole world. You are the one she trusts and you are the one she feels safe with and before you know it you will be the one she will call “Mommy” and “Daddy”. And that is all that matters!

    January 5, 2010 at 9:59 am
  • Reply Gwen

    It’s amazing how thick-skinned people can be – they just won’t stop and think about their crass comments when tactfully pointed out, they’ll just obstinately carry on and insist on their ignorant point of view.

    Ignore. Ava is beautiful, she is yours, and you are hers.

    January 5, 2010 at 10:17 am
  • Reply CeCe

    I have always been in the IF grey area.. having two perfect children before we became infertile… so I guess I have become immune to the crass and rude comments.

    What I want to point out is this: while some, myself included, have carried a baby nine months and became a mommy… you have carried Ava in your heart for the better part of a decade. Just as I carry our little one that God will send us for three years now. Parenthood is complete, all encompassing revolutionary love… regardless of its genesis.

    Kiss that perfect baby of YOURS for me.

    January 5, 2010 at 10:48 am
  • Reply Jeanette

    Got your link from @tertia.
    Hug that baby of yours 🙂

    January 5, 2010 at 11:23 am
  • Reply Abs

    Muppets!! Ignorant, thoughtless assholes!! People can be so bloody insensitive and just plain idiotic sometimes! Ava is 100% special, 100% yours and 100% loved by you and W. Of that I have no doubt my friend. x x x

    January 5, 2010 at 11:24 am
  • Reply Denise

    If I had a dollar for every person that said I’m going to fall pregnant now “because I heard that Martha’s auntys sisters cousins friend fell pregnant after adopting, I think she just relaxed” most people manage to fit both of the most annoying remarks about being IF and adopting into the same sentence….

    if you haven’t had that sentence yet its coming your way!

    January 5, 2010 at 12:29 pm
  • Reply Paula

    Goodness! People can be so stupid! What a weird mindset a person must have to imply that your perfect baby is some sort of band-aid or stop-gap! I often get told my twins are “double trouble” and that “they must be a handful” ect etc ect. Excuse me that is my children you are talking so glibly about! To the point of me actually getting rude in public. Anyway. Hope you enjoy every wonderful (sometimes hard!) moment. Would love to hear how you chose her name sometime.

    January 5, 2010 at 12:46 pm
  • Reply Zeu

    The bond between a mother and her baby is not formed by the genetics or bloodtype they share, it’s about the special moments that are created/shared together. The way in which the baby was obtained whether by pregnancy or adoption, should also make no difference.

    Agreeably some people don’t bond at first point of contact, but for many it’s instant, a type of instinct.

    I realise there are couples out there who have opted for adoption with child number one, and are now turning back to TTC’ing for their second child, but that is their choice, and shouldn’t be forced upon you.

    It’s like saying that only when a child shares you genetics are you able to love her properly/adequately!
    So are you supposed to put Ava on the shelf after you started relaxing and got pregnant and had your own biological baby? It is totally insane and insensitive!

    The yearning of a child remains the same, and when that yearning is fulfilled (regardless by pregnancy or adoption) it should be celebrated and embraced. Why do some people think that only a “REAL” baby obtained by pregnancy and being the biological mom, can fulfil you? Seriously, are you kidding?

    It’s like saying you not a proper mother because you didn’t give birth to Ava! Biggest load of hogwash I’ve ever heard!
    Sorry for the rant, but really!

    January 5, 2010 at 1:53 pm
  • Reply Sian

    I’m pretty sick of ignorant people. I was told before Christmas that after my holiday in Hazyview I’m definitely will come back preg! Whats another one…..Oh, “Now that you are doing your FET you must learn to relax”. “You must also visualize white and pink in your uterus”

    I’m in a pretty impatient mood about ass-vice and comments lately. URGH!

    January 5, 2010 at 2:36 pm
  • Reply Amanda

    Sharon people will ALWAYS say stupid things, it’s just the human way. I have grown a thick outer layer and just roll my eyes whenever a comment raises it’s ugly head! As moms we learn how to cope with insensitive assholes out there, and I have a feeling that you will be very successful in letting them know that you are not going to take their shit!

    January 5, 2010 at 3:41 pm
  • Reply Kirsty

    I can’t believe anyone would say something so dumb-ass as that! And – of course you are going on the pill! Don’t you know? After you adopt, you will most DEFINATELY fall pregnant,happens to EVERY_ONE, ALL THE TIME!!! And how on earth could you handle a newborn AND being pregnant, and then having 2 babies within a year etc… THATS how you can shut them up! Dumb asses x

    January 5, 2010 at 4:59 pm
  • Reply Elana Kahn

    Before I had the twins, I never would’ve understood how insensitive that remark is. Now that I understand motherhood and such, I get it. I also get wanting to be on birth control, even though I would’ve never imagined I’d want to prevent a pregnancy. LOL What a difference a year makes.

    January 5, 2010 at 5:17 pm
  • Reply Elana Kahn

    P.S. My mother was adopted, but you would never know by looking at her interact with her parents, because they loved her as much as they would have had my grandmother given birth to her. Well of course you couldn’t tell…the love is the same!!!

    January 5, 2010 at 5:21 pm
  • Reply Misty

    People are @ssholes. Period.
    The stupidity never seizes to amaze me!

    January 5, 2010 at 5:38 pm
  • Reply Gail

    Ugh! How annoying! Some people really just don’t get it.

    January 5, 2010 at 5:40 pm
  • Reply jaded

    People truly have an urge to speak without thinking. You and your husband wanted a child to care for and love and that is exactly what you have. She is not second best, or the ‘right now baby’, she is your child. Period.
    I have already heard “hopefully third time is the charm” in reference to this pregnancy. I can’t stand that type of logic. What the hell does that mean? Is this a game of football? Are we just throwing dice? People are stupid – it truly is one of my favorite sayings.
    I was ready for adoption in my own situation far before my husband was even ready to consider it. Why? Because I beleive that the *soul* that anyone is entrusted to parent is absolutely destined – whether biological or not. I knew that the baby that was meant for me to parent would find it’s way to me one way or the other. I really beleive this in my soul. (I am all types of spiritual). She is your daughter.

    January 5, 2010 at 5:45 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    Grr….people can be such clueless asshats. I wish people would THINK before they speak.

    So sorry you are having to deal with this.

    January 5, 2010 at 7:59 pm
  • Reply SCY

    Oh my dear friend, people are just hopeless and ignorant in so many ways.

    Ava is YOUR gorgeous child – who gives a shit about genetics? I have seen you and W with that child – YOUR child, YOUR daughter and the fact that someone else birthed her means not a squat. She is gorgeous, delightful and in love with HER Mommy and Daddy cos they are just as in love with her. Love crosses all boundaries.



    January 5, 2010 at 8:21 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    I agree fully that “sausage” is YOUR very own child, in every way. It becomes less important to me in the days that pass that I gave birth to our miracle man, but that he is here, healthy, and a part of our lives. Now, you can focus on being a parent.

    I see it as when I got married. I was so keyed up on the planning and doing, but when it got here, I was blissfully happy. Not because of the wedding day, but because I WAS MARRIED. That is how I see motherhood.

    You are a great MOM in every sense of the word!

    January 5, 2010 at 9:49 pm
  • Reply mariette

    Sorry 4 the afrikaans guys/ girls!

    Ai Sharon! eerstens wil ek vir julle baie geluk se met die wonderlike nuus en die klein wonderwerk in julle lewe!

    Wow dit he lekker gou gebeur vir julle!
    Ja dit is soos jy se daardie vrou wat geboorte gegee het aan julle babatjie, het ‘n groot verantwoordelikheid op julle skouers gelos.en vrouens wat wel self hul eie kinders bar het nie daardie extra verantwoordelikheid nie. So daar is al klaar ‘n groot verskil tussen ons en die gewone vrou wat hul eie kinders kan bar en nie besef watse voorreg dit is nie…..

    maar ja dit maak mens bitterlik seer as mense so oppervlakkig is, en sulke onsensetiewe comments maak. en my blog vriendin – maak julle self reg vir nog meer van sulke aaklige comments, want jaloerse mense is wreed! ek se jaloers, hulle gaan sien dat julle beter ouers is as ‘n gewone ma wat haar eie kinders het, want die sitsuasie waarin ons is – maak dat mens baaaaaie meer oorbesekermd is.En dit is jou volste reg.

    Dit is ook ‘n goeie ding om nou op voorbehoed te gaan, want jou liggaam het die rus nodig want hy is deur baie die laaste 7-8jr. so dit is ‘n fantastiese besluit.

    nou ja ek voel saam jou en ek weet julle gaan die wonderwerk elke sekond geniet, want glo my dit vlieg verby!


    January 5, 2010 at 10:59 pm
  • Reply charne

    SO WELL SAID!!!!!

    every where and i mean every where we go people say O watch now you will fall pregnant cause you will relax!!!!!!! it drives me nuts!!!!

    i did not adopt my child in the hope of falling pregnant… i started the adoption process cause our hearts were ready for it…. we were lead…

    God fulfiled the dream of been parents… she is a chosen child…

    And Ava is a special chosen child, YOUR child!!!! She was destined for you and walter, no other couple!!!!

    January 6, 2010 at 2:55 pm
  • Reply Bratty

    Hi Sharon….finally I get to quote my favourite TTC saying

    “A Child is Born in your heart…not your Womb”

    When I have discussed adoption outside of the family circle, I get comments like “An Accessory”, “An Item” or “The In Thing”….I always respond “Well, if you truely know me and Brad, you would realise what a stupid thing you have just said”…I get alot of people back tracking on their comments with “Sorry, that was not what we meant”

    Forgive those ignorant comments. Most people out there do not mean bad. They just do not have the “words” appropriate to understand..they aren’t smart like us…smile

    January 6, 2010 at 3:36 pm
  • Reply Suzanna Catherine

    Ava is most surely your daughter and you love her beyond words. Those who cannot understand that are simply ignorant.

    What is most amazing to me is that here in 2010 (!) people still have such bizarre notions of fertility, i.e. “just relax” and and my most un-favorite, “now that you’ve adopted, you’ll have one of your own!” 40+ years ago I was on the receiving end of those(and other)comments. It hurt and infuriated me then and still leaves a sour memory.

    Like Jaded, I believe that the *souls* of our children choose us. Ava Grace chose you and she is YOURS and you are HERS. No question about it. Enjoy every day with her. Believe me when I say time will go so fast! In the blink of an eye she’ll be a toddler and then a teenager.

    Mostly, just be happy. You and W deserve all the happiness you now have with your darling daughter.

    January 7, 2010 at 7:49 pm
  • Reply Pandora

    This is one of my pet hates! I wish people would rather just smile than feel they have to make a comment, as they usually come up with the most inane statements. Sometimes downright hurtful. I have also heard all the ones mentioned above along with my personal favourite on hearing we adopted, ‘Congratulations! How wonderful! But how can any mother just give her baby away?’ Say what?? Is it really appropriate to ask me that? I also know an adoptive mom who was told that she would never know what it is like to love her own child! Would like to smack that person!
    DH says I am too sensitive, and people just say the first thing that comes into their heads. I am waiting for the first person to mention the accessory thing, as I have also heard that a lot of people view cross cultural adoption as a fashion statement! I followed a really heated debate on the net recently. How stupid and ignorant can people get?
    Sorry Sharon, this is your blog, but now I am venting! Sorry. One last thing, by baby is big for her age, and strangers are never shy to say how chubby, big, fat etc she is. I think it is cute that she is chubby, but I wish people would just leave her alone! Ok, I am done now!

    January 7, 2010 at 8:45 pm
  • Reply SA

    Hi Sharon,

    Very well WELL said!!! Im gobsmacked at how thoughtless some people can be! wow!
    Sorry, I wrote a huge essay but my fingers have failed me.

    She is a lovely little thing Sharon, you have been so very blessed!!


    January 7, 2010 at 10:23 pm
  • Reply Jenni

    Hi Sharon

    I so agree with your post – we adopted a little mixed race boy so we get the race issue thrown at us aswell. My personal favourite is overhearing people seeing my husband with our son and say “Ah – isn’t he good with HER child.”or irate people racing up to me in a shopping mall and diving into a lecture as to how UNNATURAL our adoption is.

    We also battle to get it through to people that adoption is just another way of getting OUR baby … he is the most beautiful little boy with the biggest dimples and the sweetest hugs (he is 7 months now and crawls up to us for a cuddle)

    Best of lucky with your beautiful Ava – you are blessed !

    January 9, 2010 at 12:30 am
  • Reply Jennifer

    Hi. I am very happy to hear everyones supportive comments. We adopted our baby daughter last spring because we have always wanted to be a mom and dad to a child who needs us, and we are so happy to have helped out her birth mom in such an important way. Adoption was truly our first choice, my dream since I was little. Now I am pregnant (NOT because of adopting, but because I went off the pill at the same time our daughter came! (Yes, people are such ignorant jerks), and I am having a VERY hard time. I have never wanted to be pregnant or have a biological child, only adopt. And people saying these similar things, assuming I was infertile before, infuriates me. I appreciate how you phrased it: it devalues our children we loved by choice. Let’s hope people learn not to assume things about others and in the process insult and hurt them with their comments.

    January 9, 2010 at 7:26 pm
  • Reply CalT

    Boy do I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! I actually got so upset the other day when someone mentioned adoption as a very last resort, if all else fails, as if they don’t want to but they will if they HAVE to, as if its second best. It made me so cross. We all take different routes to become a mom. I see adoption as another route, not a last resort. But many who haven’t adopted do not understand the bond that comes with adopting a child. I also went on the pill for 8 months after we adopted Josh, I wanted to focus on him, my child, not on falling pregnant and I’m so glad I did. I couldn’t care less where Josh came from or how he entered the world, I love him with my entire heart and he is my child through and through and no one could ever change that. Unfortunately the comments never stop and instead of getting so upset like I used to, I actually feel sorry for people and how ignorant they are.

    January 12, 2010 at 9:52 am
  • Reply Willow

    You express so beautifully here exactly how I feel about our miracle baby boy, who also came to us through adoption. He is 100% our child, 100% our dream come true, exactly as you say. Congratulations on your lovely daughter!

    January 27, 2010 at 11:48 pm
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