The Sun Will Come Out!

I’ve been informed that my posting yesterday was hurtful to some who are still in the trenches of infertility.  I’d like to state categorically that it was never my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings with that posting.  I may have a child, but I have not forgotten my almost 8 years of infertility, of treatments and failures and heartache and disappointments. I too, like so many of you out there, have been through the wringer, I did not get to the place of motherhood easily, I worked, I sweated blood and tears, I gotten beaten and gave up a million times. I lost my faith and regained it over and over again. I got angry at God, at the world.

I did not, contrary to some interpretation, make the statement that my “crossing over” (really hate that term, its like crossing the great divide, separating us into the us and them when at the end of the day we’re all war weary, battered and bruised) was fate or part of God’s plan. What I said was that the reason why my RE’s and homeopaths and Dr’s could never find anything wrong with me is because I was never meant to have a child that was genetically mine. I believe in destiny and it was always my destiny to be Ava’s mother. I’m so sorry for those of you who find this statement painful, but please understand, it is what it is and I won’t deny my beliefs and my feelings. What I will say is this.

I realize that not everyone will have the same ending to this journey, we are each placed on different paths, no two journeys are the same and no two outcomes will be the same. Some of us will become mothers, whether is be with a biological child, an adopted child, a surrogated child, an adopted embryo etc etc etc, some of us will not become mothers. Our journeys and outcomes will be different, neither one better or worse than the other, just different. To say that by not having a child you will not find meaning is tragic. I have ALWAYS believed that, even before becoming a mother, I always knew, believed that regardless of how my journey would end, I would live a happy meaningful life, whether it be as someones mother, or child free and not by choice. If you go back in my blog archives to my blog postings end 2008, you will see LOTS of blog postings about this topic. So say that you can’t find meaning if you can’t have a child is not just tragically sad but in a way, insulting to the many women out there who are living child free (not by choice) and who have very rich fulfilling lives. I take Pamela as a shining example of this very woman, she’s living a meaningful, full life and touching so many in the process. And, there are many women out there who are child free and still blessed, having a baby is not the only way to be blessed. Blessings come in a million different shapes and forms.

Please understand, this is my journey and this is my ending. I did not know my ending was so close and I did not ever think it would end the way that it did. But I have found my answers and my peace but they are my answers and my peace and should not be used to find answers for somebody elses journey, they should not be compared to what you are going through.

My wish and prayer for all my IF sisters who are still out there battling through the minefield that is infertility is this: that you too may, sooner than you think, find YOUR answers and YOUR peace that you have been searching for. The ending could be closer than you think…………

Just yesterday I headed off to the post office to go and collect our mail, I was surprised by another three packages, two for Ava and one for me. The two for Ava were such lovely surprises, gifts from women I have never met, women I never spoken to IRL, women who I only know through the computer.

Thank you so much Lesley for this lovely gift, the card is SO stunning I put it straight into her memory box!

Presents For Ava 1

And Trish for spoiling Ava with this butterfly and princess themed gift:

Presents For Ava

The last gift was for me, it was from Michelle, it had been sent in October last year, just after my miscarriage, it got lost in the mail and somehow reappeared now. How ironic the timing!

Sun Comes Out

I smiled at the irony when I read the card, the last line says………. “try to focus on one day at a time and one day the sun will shine through”!

How ironic that within two months of this package being sent I’d be a mother, that the sun would indeed break through the storm clouds, that I would, indeed be able to see clearly now that the rain has gone. Every one of us will find our answers, our purpose, we cannot try to fit somebody elses answers and purpose to our lives, all we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, try not to make comparisons and keep believing that the end is here, just around the corner, just out of sight!

I think my ending is a testiment to that, I think that the outpouring of love and support that I have received over the past two and a half months speaks volumes of how my story, my answers have inspired others to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get to their ending and their answers.

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  • Reply Chopper1

    Another beautiful post, Sharon. I totally, completely agree with you on the whole topic of destiny. I really do.

    The presents are gorgeous – how PRECIOUS are those shoesies??


    February 26, 2010 at 7:12 am
  • Reply Rach

    Hmm interesting that someone or perhaps more than one(?) told you that your posting yesterday was hurtful to those still in the trenches….I didn’t comment on your post yesterday, I’m not sure whether it was because of what you wrote or not, there was just something that made it impossible for me to comment.

    I opened the comment box, wanted to type but nothing came. When that happens, I click away from the blog. I comment when I’m passionate about something, when I have a strong reaction to whats been written.

    I got where you were coming from, got what you were trying to get across but let me ask…if you hadn’t adopted Ava, if you had of remained childfree would you still think what you think?

    You’re lucky my friend, not only for your journey ending like it has but also being able to be at peace with how it ended.

    February 26, 2010 at 8:29 am
  • Reply Adi

    I read yesterday’s post and thought…hmmm… there may be some hard feelings here. I think embracing infertility as destiny or God’s will is something that is usually only done positively in retrospect (and often not even then, if the losses cut just too deep). At the time, the thought of just making peace with some destiny is infuriating, especially if the comment comes from someone else. I don’t know infertiles who are still trying and hoping with their whole being to fall pregnant, who is just ok with a diagnosis of, hey, it’s your lot, deal with it! But once you have found your happiness, like you have, it may become a clear message. However this is your blog, you can advocate YOUR experience. But like all things said in personal reflection, there may be some friendly fire. I, personally, am of the firm opinion that no one can know God’s will except in retrospect, and very few times have I seen it so clearly than in your wonderful and inspiring story. And hopefully that speaks louder than anything else.

    February 26, 2010 at 9:13 am
  • Reply jan

    Shari, I just want to send you a huge hug, beacause you share all your experiences, good and bad, sometimes people might not share your joy but will be able to share in your sadness. I, for one little voice on your blog, am so very happy for you and believe wholeheartedly in yesterdays post. God has a plan for all of us. your’s was revealed. Lets all just celebrate this miracle.

    February 26, 2010 at 11:41 am
  • Reply Suzy

    I do understand what you were saying. I believe it was fate that my son died. It was the way it was always going to be. We can’t always see why things happen but I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason. The son I have now would not have been born if my other son had not died. I do understand what you were saying, but I can also see where people felt hurt. If someone told me after my boy died that it was “gods will” i likely would have slapped them! It can be hurtful when you are in the middle of it, but in retrospect, well they do say hindsight is always 20/20.


    February 26, 2010 at 1:18 pm
  • Reply Hollie

    I hate that some took your post an unintended way. I guess because I have similarly lived the path that you are on understood what you tried to say. I have written a time or two about this on my blog, however I know I didn’t do my feelings justice. I don’t think any IFer that now has a child (by any means) wants to belittle or diminish another sister. My prayer is that it brings HOPE to someone that might be experiencing similar things. I think the hardest part of the journey is not EVER KNOWING whether all that you are doing is going to “work”. We know what its like to pour your heart and soul into fertility treatments and it slap you in the face. Maybe its just that some readers are in a more sensitive time in their journey. I urge you to continue to write your heart, not to sensor it for the few that it offends. I not only want to FEEL GOOD when I read your blog, but I want to know YOU. How you feel, how you deal with things. That’s what draws me to you. I want it straight! Don’t sugar coat or water down, just bring me the real deal!
    One more point, and I’ll shuttup. But I totally remember being happy for SO MANY that had children through my 6+ years in the trenches. I truly was happy for them. At the same time, I was sad for me. I think, you and I APPRECIATE what its like to be on both sides of the coin.

    February 26, 2010 at 6:40 pm
  • Reply Susan

    Sharon…no need to explain yourself. One thing I’ve learned about infertility is that it’s like a home open to buyers. When a potential buyer walks in, there is always someone, who doesn’t like that something about your house. You can’t please everyone. A somewhat similar situation happened to me recently, and I was not as friendly about it as you. 😉 You are not holding a gun to anyone’s head to read your blog. If they don’t like it, there is a little “x” button at the time right hand corner. All they need to do is click on it and move on. Simple as that. Some people need to grow up. Another thing people don’t realize is that just because you adopted a baby, doesn’t mean your pain of all your years of infertility just disappeared. Yes, you are busier and it did help, but it didn’t just “vanish” all your pain. You still have days when you will look at a pregnant woman and wonder why you were deprived of that experience. Those feelings don’t just go away just because you are now a parent. I know. Been there. I also agree with Hollie. Continue to write your heart and not sensor it. 🙂

    February 27, 2010 at 12:06 am
  • Reply Eva

    Great post!

    February 27, 2010 at 2:18 am
  • Reply Gail

    Like I said to you, I too belive in fate. That life is a journey and that everything happens for a reason. Don’t feel guilty about what you posted. You haven’t intentionally tried to hurt anyone. We infertiles tend to be very sensitive about everything!

    February 27, 2010 at 9:32 pm
  • Reply Stacey

    Hey Sharon, as someone who is still in the trenches (although pregnant, yet still unsure that my journey with IF is winding down after a long road with RPL), I was not personally offended by your post. How could I be offended that you feel your destiny was to be Ava’s mother? I totally agree that we all have different roads and different endings. It is truly amazing that you have made peace with where life took you — I admire you for that! And being a long-time reader, I remember plenty of posts from you where you seriously looked living child-free straight in the face and tried to get a handle on it. Life, fate, destiny, and well, I believe GOD brought you, W, and Ava together because that was your path and your story. That doesn’t offend me one bit! I think it’s beautiful. It’s my sincere hope that I and so many others will find our happy ending as well.

    March 1, 2010 at 9:05 pm
  • Reply charne

    ok i am jealous a tiny love book!! wow!!! talk about a spoiling!

    March 2, 2010 at 3:56 pm
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