Stands for Time and more specifically it seems in my case the irony of timing! Every significant event in my TTC journey has been ironically linked to the good fortune/misfortune of somebody else. For example:
The day I had my first miscarriage one of my best friends found out she was pregnant with her third, yup her third child. A couple of weeks later, while still bleeding from my first miscarriage, my sister in law phoned in a state because……… you guessed it………. she was pregnant! Two days before her baby shower, which I so bravely insisted on hosting, I found out that I was loosing my second pregnancy, in all the photo’s of her baby shower, I’m sitting there with a brave smile on my face, while in agony and still bleeding from the miscarriage. Every subsequentpregnancy of mine has been followed literally within hours by somebody elses news of their pregnancy. As a result it has left me almost superstitious when it comes to my treatments and my pregnancies. I have this inbuilt mechanism now that firmly believes that the good fortune of somebody else means a misfortune for me. Its sad really, it meant that during my last pregnancy (almost two years ago now, I really can’t believe its been that long since I was last pregnant) when my two “turned out to be totally shitty” BFF’s got the good news of heart beats and wonderfully climbing HCG results, I knew that my pregnancy was doomed, I knew because their results were so good that there was no way mine would be and guess what? I was right. I had my 6 week scan 3 days after them and guess what news I got? Sorry, the embryo measures the size of a 5 week embryo, this doesn’t look good, lets check your HCG levels. Oh sorry, your HCG has dropped from a few thousand taken two weeks prior to a shockingly whopping 119, go home and wait for the bleeding to start.
When I had my first IVF my sister in law again announced, during my 2ww that she was pregnant again. I knew the second I received the call that I was going to get a BFN, within days I started bleeding and my BFN was confirmed even before the end of my 2ww. During my subsequent IUI, she found out that she’d had German Measles and there was a possibilitythat she’d have to abort the baby. I remember thinking, and its sick I know, but I remember thinking maybe my luck is turning, maybe this time I’ll be the one with the good fortune. Just before I was scheduled to test, she received her results back, baby was fine, and I knew I was staring down the barrell of another BFN. Again I was right.
Another irony of timing in my TTCjourney is just how much Murphy gets a kick out of laughing his arse off at me. Just last night, W and I were sitting with a bottle of wine (I know I’m in the 2ww and what the hell am I thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that every druggie/alcy out there gets pregnant and has a baby so why would a glass of whine make ANY difference to the outcome of my 2ww) discussing our TTCjourney and where we’re both at emotionally at the moment and I was telling W that I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in on this journey. That emotionally I feel the most secure and almost proud of where I’ve come from and how I got here. That I’m truly ok withour decision to stop all treatment and to try naturally and wait on God for a miracle. If I hit menopause before I get my miracle then I can accept that it just wasn’t on the cards for us. I mean, both W and I have had ever test known to mankind and everything shows up perfectly. It shows I’m getting old and running out of time (AMH 3 & FSH7.9) but that there is nothing wrong with me. W has had I can’t even tell you how many SA’s and all of them were good, better than good, above average, aside from the CMA3 scenario which turns out that he was only 3% higher than what is considered normal and that CMA3 has NO IMPACT on rate of pregnancy anyway. So in effect, my last op where my tube was removed and the septum and scarring in my uterus should have “fixed” me. So its not unreasonable to think that I should be able to fall pregnant again and all should be fine…..
So guess what Murphy did to have a fat laugh in my face? Brought my period on at exactly 03h00 (the Devils hour for those who’re superstitious) on exactly CD28! Am I ok with it? Yes actually I am, it wasn’t even a surprised, I wasn’t even disappointed. Dare I say, I’m not sure I even care anymore???
On another note, please can I ask that you show some love to my “bloggie friend”, Monica. It was her baby, Zachary’s First Dirthday (birth/death day) on the 19th August. This is seriously one of the bravest chicsI know, she can write a post that makes me do the ugly cry, complete with snot and all and still laugh out loud at the same time. W was rather confused by my tear stained, snotty yet laughing face last night after I read her post to her baby boy.
Also my friend, EML, just past her due date of her precious twins, Marcus and Elizabeth, lost at 17 weeks a few months ago. And my Fertilicare Sister, Maria, who has suffered her second late pregnancy loss in less than a year. My heart breaks for these women and I pray that God, in his wisdom, will comfort and heal them and fufillhis promise of children to both of them.
I think another reason I want to quit is because of fear. I see too many of my KuKd sisters going to hell and back over and over and over again. I’ve already travelled halfway to hell and back 6 times, no human being should have to endure what some of these brave KuKd Momma’s endure and I’m too afraid, but that’s a whole nother blog post for another day. For now I’m on CD1, embarking on another DIY cycle!