The T In TTC

Stands for Time and more specifically it seems in my case the irony of timing! Every significant event in my TTC journey has been ironically linked to the good fortune/misfortune of somebody else. For example:

The day I had my first miscarriage one of my best friends found out she was pregnant with her third, yup her third child. A couple of weeks later, while still bleeding from my first miscarriage, my sister in law phoned in a state because……… you guessed it………. she was pregnant! Two days before her baby shower, which I so bravely insisted on hosting, I found out that I was loosing my second pregnancy, in all the photo’s of her baby shower, I’m sitting there with a brave smile on my face, while in agony and still bleeding from the miscarriage. Every subsequentpregnancy of mine has been followed literally within hours by somebody elses news of their pregnancy. As a result it has left me almost superstitious when it comes to my treatments and my pregnancies. I have this inbuilt mechanism now that firmly believes that the good fortune of somebody else means a misfortune for me. Its sad really, it meant that during my last pregnancy (almost two years ago now, I really can’t believe its been that long since I was last pregnant) when my two “turned out to be totally shitty” BFF’s got the good news of heart beats and wonderfully climbing HCG results, I knew that my pregnancy was doomed, I knew because their results were so good that there was no way mine would be and guess what? I was right. I had my 6 week scan 3 days after them and guess what news I got? Sorry, the embryo measures the size of a 5 week embryo, this doesn’t look good, lets check your HCG levels. Oh sorry, your HCG has dropped from a few thousand taken two weeks prior to a shockingly whopping 119, go home and wait for the bleeding to start.

When I had my first IVF my sister in law again announced, during my 2ww that she was pregnant again. I knew the second I received the call that I was going to get a BFN, within days I started bleeding and my BFN was confirmed even before the end of my 2ww. During my subsequent IUI, she found out that she’d had German Measles and there was a possibilitythat she’d have to abort the baby. I remember thinking, and its sick I know, but I remember thinking maybe my luck is turning, maybe this time I’ll be the one with the good fortune. Just before I was scheduled to test, she received her results back, baby was fine, and I knew I was staring down the barrell of another BFN. Again I was right.

Another irony of timing in my TTCjourney is just how much Murphy gets a kick out of laughing his arse off at me. Just last night, W and I were sitting with a bottle of wine (I know I’m in the 2ww and what the hell am I thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that every druggie/alcy out there gets pregnant and has a baby so why would a glass of whine make ANY difference to the outcome of my 2ww) discussing our TTCjourney and where we’re both at emotionally at the moment and I was telling W that I’m in the best place I’ve ever been in on this journey. That emotionally I feel the most secure and almost proud of where I’ve come from and how I got here. That I’m truly ok withour decision to stop all treatment and to try naturally and wait on God for a miracle. If I hit menopause before I get my miracle then I can accept that it just wasn’t on the cards for us. I mean, both W and I have had ever test known to mankind and everything shows up perfectly. It shows I’m getting old and running out of time (AMH 3 & FSH7.9) but that there is nothing wrong with me. W has had I can’t even tell you how many SA’s and all of them were good, better than good, above average, aside from the CMA3 scenario which turns out that he was only 3% higher than what is considered normal and that CMA3 has NO IMPACT on rate of pregnancy anyway. So in effect, my last op where my tube was removed and the septum and scarring in my uterus should have “fixed” me. So its not unreasonable to think that I should be able to fall pregnant again and all should be fine…..

So guess what Murphy did to have a fat laugh in my face? Brought my period on at exactly 03h00 (the Devils hour for those who’re superstitious) on exactly CD28! Am I ok with it? Yes actually I am, it wasn’t even a surprised, I wasn’t even disappointed. Dare I say, I’m not sure I even care anymore???

On another note, please can I ask that you show some love to my “bloggie friend”, Monica. It was her baby, Zachary’s First Dirthday (birth/death day) on the 19th August. This is seriously one of the bravest chicsI know, she can write a post that makes me do the ugly cry, complete with snot and all and still laugh out loud at the same time. W was rather confused by my tear stained, snotty yet laughing face last night after I read her post to her baby boy.

Also my friend, EML, just past her due date of her precious twins, Marcus and Elizabeth, lost at 17 weeks a few months ago. And my Fertilicare Sister, Maria, who has suffered her second late pregnancy loss in less than a year. My heart breaks for these women and I pray that God, in his wisdom, will comfort and heal them and fufillhis promise of children to both of them.

I think another reason I want to quit is because of fear. I see too many of my KuKd sisters going to hell and back over and over and over again. I’ve already travelled halfway to hell and back 6 times, no human being should have to endure what some of these brave KuKd Momma’s endure and I’m too afraid, but that’s a whole nother blog post for another day. For now I’m on CD1, embarking on another DIY cycle!

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  • Reply Mands

    Sharon, as the sister of someone who had been batteling for almost 6 years, I understand your statement. Murphy sucks!!! We would always hear how Elize’s sil got pregnant during her 2ww or just after her m/c. It was very hard, I would be brave on the phone with her, but would cry for days after the call. It always seemed as if everyone was pg and not Elize. Even my sil (both of them) got pg (twice) during Elize’s journey. I got so angry and jealous, and thought how friggen unfair life seemed. But I do believe we are tougher now than ever before, and after reading some of your posts, I do believe you are a tough and very brave gal. As for the person who insulted you husband, just treat him like the moron he is.

    August 21, 2008 at 12:18 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Fear is one of the hardest things to come to grips with as we go along our journeys. The longer we stay on it the more horror stories we read, the more BFP’s are announced, the greater the risk for miscarriages and so on. I try very hard not to let other peoples successes or losses get to me. And hon there really is no reason on earth why you can’t be pregnant when some one else is pregnant. It’s bound to happen. God can give life and I believe He will even though someone else got the good news. There is a place for all of us, at once. Just keep looking to Him and He will carry you. I think you are at a great place at the moment: Expecting a miracle and waiting for it. The only thing you need to do now is to let go of the spirit of fear, because He hasn’t given us a spirit of fear but of Love, Power and a sound mind (2Tim 1:7). I know easier said than done. I battle the exact same thing. xx

    August 21, 2008 at 1:50 pm
  • Reply Murgdan

    Screw Murphy…but I do love reading your posts, Sharon. Still…no one should have to endure this much….really.

    August 21, 2008 at 2:26 pm
  • Reply monica lemoine

    Shaz, I feel the frustration! Thanks for the kudos and the lovin’ love. I’m happy to help get your snot going – anytime you need the favor just call. You do such a great job of bringing people together in the blogosphere, helping women connect, you deserve a good nose blowing session. I’m sure everyone else here will agree.

    August 21, 2008 at 4:43 pm
  • Reply babysmiling

    Here from ICLW…

    It’s amazing how different our reactions to others’ pg announcements can be, depending on where we are in our own timing. Personally, I’ve found it easier to take when I was on an upswing (such as a cycle in progress) than downswing (wait between failed cycles).

    A little-known fact about Murphy is that his law refuses to be pigeonholed. Just when we think we know what his law will dictate, he has to switch it up, so that we don’t get complacent and think we know more than he does. I very much hope that Murphy will change the parameters of his law for you very soon.

    Oh, and re: the Veteran Barbie post, “babydust” makes me barf!

    August 21, 2008 at 6:02 pm
  • Reply jaded

    hi Sharon, I often read your blog and appreciate your honesty and allowing us to ‘tag’ along. whether you continue to try or not is a deeply personal decision that you won’t take lightly! i grapple with that decision personally. i read up on Maria’s story and I am so very sorry. she specifically asked for advice if there was any that could be given. i belong to a group called AbbyLoopers on yahoo they endorse the use of a transabdominal cerclage. it works just like the cerclage that Maria had, except it’s placed higher, therefore through the abdomen (hence the name). the success rate is over 97% vs. 74% for a traditional vaginal cerclage. i will have this done for my next pregnancy. can you please tell Maria about it. just copy and paste this post, as i would otherwise have to become a member of her chat group. the link is below:


    August 21, 2008 at 6:57 pm
  • Reply eggorchicken

    Sharon it freaking sux that AF showed her ulgy face again, I was really hoping it’d be a good year or so before you’d have to meet her again 🙁
    Big,big hugs to you.
    I for one, am keeping everything crossed for you this cycle!

    August 21, 2008 at 8:55 pm
  • Reply isn't it pretty to think so

    Here from NCLW. Just wanted to say hello… I am so grateful to have found your blog. i will be reading along and look forward to catching up on your story.

    August 22, 2008 at 3:49 am
  • Reply InDueTime

    Coming over from ICLW…

    ((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) I look forward to keeping up with your blog.

    August 22, 2008 at 6:13 am
  • Reply Marina

    Hey Sharon. Murphy likes me too, I just can’t get rid of him either! Sorry about AF showing up. I admire your spirit, I really do. I know I’m only at the start of my IF journey, but if I can acquire the same attitude as you have after all these years and what you’ve had to endure, then I’ll be a better person for it.

    BTW, a friend of mine has just found out she’s pregnant after going off the pill 3 months ago. She didn’t even know when she ovulates or how the whole ttc thing works. I had the ugly cry over this announcement on Sat. when another mutual friend told me the news. It sucks, it really does.

    Keep well,

    August 22, 2008 at 12:42 pm
  • Reply Katie

    Isn’t it always when we are in the pits of despair someone comes bee boppin along with their new pregnancies? It’s so so hard watching them go through it while we are just sitting back in pain. I can’t IMAGINE you throwing a baby shower. I’ve been to one (for a girl I wasn’t even jealous of) and it was hard. You are a tough cookie!!! And yes, I think fear is the word. I can’t imagine going through another miscarriage. It’s my biggest fear in the WORLD.

    August 22, 2008 at 6:07 pm
  • Reply j

    I think your approach is totally reasonable and well thought out.

    I’m battling the whole “it sucks that all our tests are normal because then they don’t know what to do” thing, too. but it’s much easier to see when I read your post that THAT IS A GOOD THING, sweetie. It’s a good, hopeful thing and I know,know, know something good is coming for you.

    August 22, 2008 at 7:28 pm
  • Reply carla

    Thank you for all you have written. I also have had 6 miscarriages and no real explanation except “must just be bad luck” My husband and I never thought our lives would turn in this direction. It has been a crazy emotional rollercoaster. Finding your post helps to express myself. We are very silent and we do not share our losses with anyone except a few. (Mom, sister and bf). Not sure if that makes things any better or not. I would have been 9 weeks today but right at the 6 week mark (again). We were told that there is no longer a heartbeat. We had such high hopes this time with rising Hcg levels and we saw the heartbeat at 5 weeks. I sit here today awaiting the pain cramps and yet another miscarriage. It has now become a quest for us. I do know what you mean about everyone around you being pregnant. Every time i fall pg friends are too and I get to watch them have successful pregnancies only to complain the entire time about pregnancy and then lack of sleep due to their little ones. Drives me crazy!!! If one more person asks why we don’t have kids I am afraid that i will go off on them. I have learned throuh my experiences how unconsciencious people are to what others may not be able to have. I would never ask women why they do not have kids. I don’t know if anyone will read this and I have never responded to anyone on a blog but your story sounds all too familiar. Lets believe in miracles together. Smile and keep your chin up. Thinking of you.

    August 23, 2008 at 9:37 pm
  • Reply C

    Thank you Sharon

    August 24, 2008 at 6:20 pm
  • Reply samcy

    I think we should all group together and hire a hitmat to kill that bloody (no pun intended) Murphy!

    Sorry that AF came my friend, but as I said to you I know you will be pregnant with a healthy baby in the near future, i Know it!

    Love ya!

    August 24, 2008 at 10:36 pm
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