Our final adoption order, as well as Ava’s original birth certificate were delivered to my office yesterday afternoon. I was overcome with joy, I’m quite sure everyone I work with thinks I’m crazy because I started to cry as I was opening the envelope.

Our adoption experience has turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be. I, like everyone out there, was full of preconceived ideas about adoption and birth mom’s and adopted children, prior to experiencing its unique magic. One of the things I didn’t anticipate was the depth of the love that both myself and Walter have developed for our beautiful birth mom through this process.

Yesterday, when I was going through the paperwork, the last page was Ava’s original, unabridged birth certificate, including the full name and ID number of her birth mom. I never anticipated that seeing that would make my heartache so intensely for her.

We will start the the long process of applying for Ava’s name change and issuing of her new birth certificate within the next week. If all goes to plan, within a few months, legally, every trace that Ava’s beautiful birth mom was ever part of her life will be removed, her records have been sealed at the department of Social Development and when the new birth certificate arrives, legally speaking, it will be as if she never existed in Ava’s life. That thought alone hurts my  heart in ways I cannot describe, I have tears in my eyes and I’m holding back the sobs just thinking about it. I hurt for Ava’s birth mom, that through her beautiful gift of love she would have to sacrifice so much. I hurt for Ava’s part too.

But all of this has once again renewed and reminded me of my determination to ensure that Ava’s birth mom’s memory lives forever with Ava. That Ava will always know the truth about her birth mom, that she will always know the beauty of her birth mom, of what she gave up, of what she sacrficed and of what she put herself through because of the deep, unselfish love she had for her unborn child.

Today my heart is both happy and sad, such a weird weird feeling!