I’m really torn with this IVF, my mind and thoughts are all over the place and I’ve not even started the 2ww yet. How am I going to manage until the 30th March to test?

I am still in a state of disbelief over how well things have gone so far (barring OHSS), I’ve never never never had such good results before. My first IVF, long protocol with Lucrin and Gonal F yielded 10 eggs, by day 5 only 2 embryo’s remained.

My second, natural IVF, I had no fertilization due to very poor egg quality.

My third IVF, I had a short protocol IVF, using Lucrin, Luveris and Gonal F, I battled emotionally through out this IVF and again at day 5, we only had two embryo’ s left to transfer.

So this time around, I”m battling to process how everything has progressed. I woke up from my ER in a state of disbelief, I woke up to the words: “Well done Sharon, we got 16 eggs!” It was only back in the ward, about an hour later when the fuzziness of the sedation started to lift that I began to comprehend the number of eggs we’d retrieved. I still can’t believe it. I cannot believe that at almost 37 my body could do that, but I must be honest, when I lookd down at my hands and saw “16 eggs well done 🙂 ” I knew I was heading for OHSS. 

Phoning for the ferilization report on Friday was terrifying. Walter and I took bets, do you know what we were hoping for? We were hoping for 8 fertilized eggs! When I made the phone call I was so nervous I was hyperventilating. I’m sure that I must have thought I was some sort of heavy breathing freak on the line.

Since then our news has gotten better and better and with that, the war in my mind has begun. On the one hand, I so badly want to believe that this is it, on the other hand, I can’t believe that this is it. On the one hand I want to believe that one of those sparkly little embryo’s is going to turn into a living breathing baby for us, on the other hand I’ve walked this path so long and been dealt so much bad news, I can’t imagine a different outcome.

I so badly want to believe this is almost over, but I’m so afraid of setting myself up for a major disappointment again. The worst part is seeing how excited W is getting. I really want him to have hop, I really want him to be excited, but I’m so afraid of seeing him disappointed again. We have a busy two weeks ahead as well and I’m worried about how I’ll cope with everything if I start to spot or bleed in the middle of my 2ww like I always do. Its W’s birthday next Monday and its his Mother’s 50th Birthday next Wednesday, we’re hosting a 50th Birthday Party for her next Saturday, two days before my blood test. I know I will have POAS about 20 times by then, what it its all BFN’s, how am I going to plaster a smile on my face and make it through the celebrations???

God, in all his glory has brought me this far, I’m just praying that this is it, that this is His way of fufilling what He has promised me.