Warning: Very self indulgent, self pitying, why me post ahead:

I know I shouldn’t complain, I know things could be worse, but I’m really struggling to stay seated on this hideous roller coaster ride. I hate timed intercourse! It is just bonking/banging/f!@#$, it has nothing to do with love or making love and I HATE it! I cannot believe we have to spend R2000 for what other people can do for free! It SUCKS! And then I feel guilty for complaining because I know that I could be doing an IVF which is even less fun! So forgive me for this self indulgent, whiney assed post, but I need to let it out.

Between timing the douching, timing the intercourse and then timing the medication, scans, trigger injection, Cyclogest, temping, OPK’s and O Microscope, there is just NOTHING fun or spontaneous about this. We cannot just have sex when we feel like it, because I have to think about whether or not I douched and how long its been since the douche. I had my trigger injection yesterday morning and then was told by a stranger that we would have intercourse as follows:

Douche – 17h00

Intercourse – 20h00

Sleep

Intercourse – 07h00

Douche – 17h00

Intercourse -20h00

Sleep

Intercourse – 07h00

Does that seem like fun?? You know its not when even your husband complains about it. You know its not when you cry while doing it. You know its not when you have to consider the best position of maximum sperm penetration, you know its not when you lie there wishing it was over. Its not natural and its not normal and I HATE it!

It was my nephews 5th birthday party yesterday, a couple of hours before the party started I had my trigger injection. I then spent the morning arguingwith my hubbiebecause of the freaking schedule we would have to leave the party early so that I could come home and douche. At the party, where I hide behind my sunglasses so nobody can see how puffy eyed I am from crying, I get to enjoy 2 pregnant women, 1 new born baby, 3 10 month old babies and countless toddlers and little children.  Talk about torture! Am I the only one that thinks that sometimes her hubbiewould be better off finding another wife?? Because God knows I’m guilt ridden over what I’ve put him through. I know that this is “our” problem, but technically speaking, its MY fault. Its my body that lets us down over and over again. There’s a song that plays over and over in my head, a song that speaks of exactly how I feel. The song is about a man forcing a relationship to end because of his battle with alcohol and how he sees its destroying and hurting his partner. I can so relate, I love my husband so much but I HATE seeing what my infertility has done to him, I wish I could make him “Hate Me Today”: