I’ve often wondered if knowing the sex of our babies makes it harder to come to terms with their loss? I haven’t really thought about this for a while, its just something I’ve believed to be true, for me it is anyway. My first failed IVF was hardest to come to terms with, not just because it was the first IVF and your first failed IVF is crushing, but also because we did PGD with that IVF so we knew that both our embryo’s transferred were boys. Knowing they were boys got me thinking about things I hadn’t/haven’t thought about during my other IVF’s. Very gender specific things. Would they grow up and be tall and very masculine like their Dad, would they love rugby, would they be Mommy’s boy, would they be little hooligans? I’ve not thought about those things in the same way with my other IVF’s or pregnancies, for that matter, mostly because we had no clue of the gender and lost the babies & was not given a D&C. But that failed IVF hurt, it crushed me, saying goodbye to my boys was excruciatingly painful. I suppose knowing the gender was painful in the loss in the same way that a failed IVF is so much more devastating (for me personally) than a failed IUI or timed cycle. You don’t have to wonder at what happened, you know that living dividing embryo’s were put back. Knowing means that you know whether you lost boys or girls or both.
This week, one of my BFF’s, Elize, had her follow up appointment with Dr G on Monday and got the results from the tests carried about on her foetus. And on the one hand I was thrilled that she got an answer as to why she miscarried this time, on the other hand I was completely crushed for her. Her news that the baby had Downs Syndrome and that it was a precious little girl was devastating to me, it really felt like a swift, hard punch right in the center of my chest. So if it felt like that for me, I can only imagine how it must have felt for her.
I really wonder if it wouldn’t be best for us not to know the gender of our unborn, miscarried babies. From my own experience I’ve found that knowing the gender has made that tiny blob seem so much more real and so much harder to say goodbye to.
To all my precious friends, and God knows there are too many of us, who’ve suffered the tragedy of a lost baby, I hope that one day the ache in our hearts can be healed by the joy of a living breathing baby. I know God is taking care of our precious little ones and that one day we will be united with them.
Elize, my special friend, I now know what your definition of fine is and I want you to know I’m here for you, even if you are fine!