To Know Or Not To Know?

boy_girl_symbolsI’ve often wondered if knowing the sex of our babies makes it harder to come to terms with their loss? I haven’t really thought about this for a while, its just something I’ve believed to be true, for me it is anyway. My first failed IVF was hardest to come to terms with, not just because it was the first IVF and your first failed IVF is crushing, but also because we did PGD with that IVF so we knew that both our embryo’s transferred were boys. Knowing they were boys got me thinking about things I hadn’t/haven’t thought about during my other IVF’s. Very gender specific things. Would they grow up and be tall and very masculine like their Dad, would they love rugby, would they be Mommy’s boy, would they be little hooligans? I’ve not thought about those things in the same way with my other IVF’s or pregnancies, for that matter, mostly because we had no clue of the gender and lost the babies & was not given a D&C. But that failed IVF hurt, it crushed me, saying goodbye to my boys was excruciatingly painful. I suppose knowing the gender was painful in the loss in the same way that a failed IVF is so much more devastating (for me personally) than a failed IUI or timed cycle. You don’t have to wonder at what happened, you know that living dividing embryo’s were put back. Knowing means that you know whether you lost boys or girls or both.

This week, one of my BFF’s, Elize, had her follow up appointment with Dr G on Monday and got the results from the tests carried about on her foetus. And on the one hand I was thrilled that she got an answer as to why she miscarried this time, on the other hand I was completely crushed for her. Her news that the baby had Downs Syndrome and that it was a precious little girl was devastating to me, it really felt like a swift, hard punch right in the center of my chest. So if it felt like that for me, I can only imagine how it must have felt for her.

I really wonder if it wouldn’t be best for us not to know the gender of our unborn, miscarried babies. From my own experience I’ve found that knowing the gender has made that tiny blob seem so much more real and so much harder to say goodbye to.

To all my precious friends, and God knows there are too many of us, who’ve suffered the tragedy of a lost baby, I hope that one day the ache in our hearts can be healed by the joy of a living breathing baby. I know God is taking care of our precious little ones and that one day we will be united with them.

Elize, my special friend, I now know what your definition of fine is and I want you to know I’m here for you, even if you are fine!

Share on
Previous Post Next Post

You may also like


  • Reply Lea White

    I do agree that it would probably be much harder when you know, but I think it is devastating no matter which way you look at it.

    Hugs to you and especially also your friend who has just experienced this devastating loss.

    I pray that you and her will soon have your miracles!

    May 21, 2009 at 6:08 am
  • Reply Denise

    It is almost a year since my loss and last week I found out that I’d been pregnant with a little girl. It is devestating and I would never want to know again.

    I can imagine how hard this is for Elize and I’m sending her love and light to find the strength to continue.

    May 21, 2009 at 8:07 am
  • Reply Abbey

    I never knew the sex of the baby I lost or any of my embryos and I’m grateful for that because it would have been so much harder if I had known(If it’s possible for this to be any harder than it is?)I do beleive our aching hearts will be healed one day with the gift of a living breathing child. Someday we will be moms! I have to believe this to deal with what has happened and to face whatever may still happen going forward. One day at a time.
    Sending big hugs filled with special love ((()))

    May 21, 2009 at 8:16 am
  • Reply Hela

    I think you have a really valid point, I too believe it must be much harder to find out the sex of the lost angel. I think once you find out the gender, your imagination tends to go on a mile long run (as you said, gender specific).

    Though it doesn’t take away from the total heartbreak at losing another angel and not knowing the gender.

    I too hope and pray with you that both you and your special friends who have suffered loss will hold your breathing bundles.

    Btw: Love the new look!

    May 21, 2009 at 8:44 am
  • Reply Elize

    Thanks hon. You made me smile! It definitely does make it harder on the one hand, because I’ve always wanted a little girl. I’ve never said so publically, but that was my hearts desire. On the other hand knowing she had downs, did make it easier as it would have been far more devastating if she was 100% normal and I knew that nature had taken its course, not that I would have loved her any less had she lived.

    May 21, 2009 at 9:23 am
  • Reply dee

    I think it does make it more difficult. But I also think it is nice to know, sort of closure I guess. I want to find out one day but right now Im glad I dont know what sex of the baby that we lost.

    May 21, 2009 at 1:19 pm
  • Reply mp

    Personally, I’m glad I’ve never found out the gender of any of mine. I think that I’d have gotten far too attached, would’ve spent far too much time imagining the “could have been,” and been far too depressed afterwards.

    Not knowing the gender definitely made my emotional recovery time shorter.

    May 21, 2009 at 2:42 pm
  • Reply Kristin

    For me, the knowing or not knowing didn’t seem to make a loss harder to deal with but, it did make hearing about other girls who would have been due around the same time as my lost girl very bittersweet.

    May 21, 2009 at 3:28 pm
  • Reply tomi

    I had wondered for a while what sex it would have been and realised knowing, for me, would have made it harder to grief.



    May 22, 2009 at 12:53 am
  • Reply samcy

    Personally I think that knowing the sex would make it WAY harder to accept.


    May 22, 2009 at 5:03 pm
  • I LOVE comments, leave yours here:

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    %d bloggers like this: