I am not enjoying this FET cycle at all. Everyone warned me that it would feel like an anti climax after IVF cycles. That there just a whole lot of hurry up and wait with not a whole lot in between so I was pretty prepared for that. What I was no prepared for was that the periods of nothingness would leave me with so much time to think and worry and stress that I would land up being such a stress ball before anything had actually begun!

My current worry…. that after the thaw on Sunday we won’t have any viable embryo’s to transfer. I’ve been wringing my hands and mentally writhing under the stress that this thought, which I ‘d like to point out, hadn’t actually crossed my mind until my co-ordinator at the clinic informed me that when I arrive for my Intralipids on Monday morning I’d need to meet with them first to check if there was anything viable.

I keep trying to reassure myself that my IVF in March was text book, aside from the Stage 2 OHSS, that cycle was what most of us infertiles dream of. Everything went according to plan, everything was perfect, from the fab egg yield,  to the high fertilization rate, to the text book quality embryo’s, I couldn’t have asked for a better cycle. I keep telling myself that given the high quality embryo’s we froze on day 3, there must surely be at least 2 after the thaw that will be viable? Really? Surely? But somehow that thought, nor the assurances of my rainbow-farting friends, is giving me any comfort. I have a permanent knot in my stomach and I’m having concentration issues. Last night was so bad I went to bed in the end, in an attempt to shut my mind off, to escape from all the “what if” thoughts floating in my mind.

Getting the date of my follow up appointment yesterday didn’t help matters much either, I’ve been trying not to think too far ahead on this process, just trying (unsuccessfully) to get through one day at a time, now that I know there is a date set to discuss this treatments possible failure, its made the possiblity of failure all the more real for me.

Its going to be a loooong weekend, worrying, stressing about how my embryo’s, my possible child/children are doing……..