This morning we had brunch at Mugg & Bean and Walter allowed words to fall out of his mouth that almost caused me to choke and have had my head in a spin ever since………….

“I think we should start trying again… naturally…”

Dudes, do you know how huge this is? Up until that very moment he had  been fairly resistant to the thought of a another child. So for him to come so far out of left field and whack me with that statement has me in a bit of a tizz.

I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to worrying about cycle days and ovulation and home tests and hope and disappointment over and over and over again. Having said that, I’m not totally against it either, what I am totally against is more treatment. I cannot face any more treatment and I don’t think Walter would want to either. Both of us have lost faith in treatment, the simple fact of the matter is that we’ve seen it fail repeatedly too many times, in our own situations and for the people closest to us. In all the years, I had ONE BFP from treatment, all my other BFP’s were from natural conception and granted, I haven’t had a natural BFP in going on 4 years, but I suppose, the mere fact that it happened by itself means that its not completely impossible to think that it could happen again. Walters philiosophy is that now that the pressure to have a child is off us, now that we’re not frantically worried that we may never have a child, perhaps now it will work?

But do I want to open that can of worms again? Do I want to face the uncertainty of climbing back on the TTC wagon brings. Do I want to face the possiblity of another pregnancy, remembering that pregnancy is actually a horrible, horrible, anxious time for me.

I just don’t know!