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Where It All Began…. The Birth Of The Blessed Barrenness

It’s 20h18 on Thursday, 12th September. A very very significant date in my life for the very very longest time and yet there has been so much water under the bridge and so much healing has happened, that the date almost past by unnoticed. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that one of my closest friends turned 50 on this day, 11 years ago, I would not even have remembered.

Today, 11 years ago, I woke to the sound of my alarm, as I did every morning. Turned off the alarm and lay in bed attempting to wake up fully, when I felt something wet in the bed…. when I got out of the bed, the bed was full of blood and it was gushing down my legs. Just a few days prior, after being a few weeks late for my period, my pregnancy had been confirmed and now here I was bleeding and I knew, in my heart of hearts, in that instant,I knew that there was too much blood for this to be “normal” pregnancy bleeding. I knew it was over, I knew I’d lost the baby… and shortly there after, after a rush to our local ER, my worst fear was confirmed.

And that is where my journey began… that is where this story started… the toughest trial of my life began on the 12th September 2002. What followed where some of my worst fears and horrors, 7 miscarriages, multiple surgeries, thousands of injections, hundreds of blood tests, what followed broke me and rebuilt me into who I am today. What followed was heartache and heart break like I could never have imagined before I was robbed of my “innocence”, before I learned that worst case scenario can play out over and over and over again. Before I learned that I was going to be the exception and not the rule. Before I learned that I was infertile, before I learned that I was chosen for a path less traveled.

I am not the same person today I was 11 years ago. I am much braver, much stronger and much more of a realist than I ever was before. I am also a fighter. Infertility taught me to fight and it’s a lesson I have carried over into every other are of my life. I never say die, I never quit, I never give up. I work hard, I sweat blood, I stuck needles in myself and subjected myself to some of the toughest things I’ve ever been through and I learned and I grew.

Does it still hurt? Only when I really think about it. But I am forever changed by my struggle with my infertility. I am still infertile. I am not cured. I never will be. My womb is barren but I am so so blessed because of my barrenness.

barren

 

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