I’m sure, from the tone and theme of a number of blog postings I’ve done over the past few months and most recently, you are all aware that I’ve really been grappling with some hurt feelings. I’ve made no secret of the fact that my transition to motherhood has been difficult, very very difficult, much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I was ignorant/arrogant enough to think that because I’d walked a hard journey that the entire IF community would embrace my miracle. Of course that has not been the case. I’ve been hurt by individuals both part of the online community and by IRL friends.
I’ve been reactive in my response to the hurt I’ve felt and I’ve not always handled the situation as well as I should have. Then I read my friend, Stacey’s blog yesterday and I saw the beautiful way she has chosen to handle her situation, not exactly the same as mine, but similar and I had one of those a-ha moments, you know the type… when you know better you do better?!
Here is a short extract of what she said that really really struck a chord with me:
There is a whole lot of thankfulness to go around! And now I’ve come to the part about mercy. I’m going to share with you very briefly but honestly that there have been some times that have stung in recent months. While I recognize the hurt and the struggle, it is still a sobering thought when you realize that your answered prayer, your miracle baby who finally survived in your womb, is the very thing that will cause some to stop following your story. That is the only thing I will say about it, and I don’t plan on revisiting the subject in the future. I’ve felt some sadness over it and I’ve spent some time dwelling on it. Then I was at church this past Sunday and we had a guest speaker who talked about showing mercy, and the message went right to my core. I’ve made up my mind to let go of whatever hurt feelings I may have had and just continue to handle it with love and with mercy. I’ll continue to follow and I’ll continue to pray even if the sentiments are not returned.
I have for a long time resisted the tendency to lean towards an “us versus them” mentality, both when I was waiting to have a baby and especially now. A woman with a heart that aches over the sadness of infertility and the despair of pregnancy loss is not someone I used to be. It’s someone I still am and will always be. A successful pregnancy hasn’t caused me to “change sides.” I’m the same woman… whose heart is also thankful to God for the grace and mercy that He has shown by giving us this child after we’ve entrusted six others to His eternal care. That wasn’t a small sacrifice, but through it all we’ve learned to trust Him. This experience continues to teach me new things and grow me in ways that I never imagined. Sometimes the growing pains are not easy, but I’m grateful for the lessons learned.
If I could be half this woman, if I could have half her beautiful spirit, if I could show half the love and mercy she is referring to them I will have done well. This is exactly one of the reasons that I love blogs and blogging so much. My blog is not just me sharing a whole lot of fluffy stuff about my life, I use my blog as an online journal. It’s an outlet for my sometimes messed up thoughts and emotions. It’s a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings down in a way that I can reflect on them, it’s a place I use to gain perspective and new perspectives. This is a prime example of exactly that.
I have not always handled those who have hurt me with mercy and love, I’ve done what I always do, gone into self-preservation mode and done what I felt I needed to do to protect my own heart because, as with Stacey, I may have been blessed with a miracle child, but I till have the aching heart of an infertile, battling with recurrent pregnancy loss.
Posts like Stacey’s make me want to try harder.. I may not succeed, but at least I’m more mindful of my short comings and I can only try harder, to be better, to know better…