Why Does It Have To Be So Difficult?

That is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Why is it that my KuKd and Infertile sisters have to battle so hard, why its so hard for some of us to have a baby and not for others. I’ve long stopped saying things like: Its so unfair, why me, why can’t I have a baby and so n so can, what did they do to deserve a baby that I didn’t. All the questions every single one of us asks ourselves when we first start out on this journey. We learn, some of us faster than others, that there is no point in trying to answer these questions, the simple fact of the matter is that sometimes in life shit just happens. It happens to all of us in some way or another, so why not in this way?

Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that when I hear that my nephew needs to be admitted to hospital and can’t because his parents have not paid their medical aid in two months, that I don’t get absolutely furious. Or that I don’t get furious and ask God why, when I hear about children who get abused or neglected by their families, when I know that I would give anything to have a child of my own, that I would never in a million years dream of hurting him/her in anyway, but would treasure them for how precious they truly are, that I would strive to ensure that my child’s every need was met to the best of my ability.

But there is still one question that I grapple with. Why is it that its so much harder for us infertiles. I mean I’m a classic example, I’ve been to hell and back in the past 6 years, I’ve undergone horrible, invasive, humiliating treatments, I’ve stuck needles in myself till I looked like a bruised peach, I’ve cried more tears than a large number of people do in a lifetime, I’ve lived with extreme anxiety and have learnt to keep myself motivated with only the tiniest sliver of hope. My friend, Chantal, has battled for ELEVEN years, endured countless treatments, endured countless pregnancy losses, including the loss of her precious twins at 17 weeks. What kind of hell must that be to try and survive. My friend, Robyn, who has also endured countless miscarriages and treatment failures, including the loss of her precious twins so late in pregnancy, and now Robyn is pregnant again, 6 weeks pregnant and she has begun spotting! I mean, come on God, can one of us catch a break please! The list is endless. So many of us battling, not just battling to get pregnant, but battling to stay pregnant.

And yet, we’re seen by so many “never been pregnant’ infertiles as lucky. Lucky! Yes, lucky because we know the joy of getting a positive pregnancy test and then having our hopes and dreams and happiness snatched away from us by suffering through the hurt and guilt and all the emotions of a pregnancy loss. Lucky! If that is luck then God I don’t want any more luck.

I know we all think the grass is greener on the other side. I know I secretly think that its better to never get a BFP (big fat positive) than to get that BFP and then have to suffer through a miscarriage or late pregnancy loss. But please, please never tell a woman who has had a miscarriage that at least she knows she can fall pregnant, I promise you, it is NO consolation, it offers No comfort and No support to say things like that.

To my “never been pregnant” infertile friends, know that I love you and support you, and pray that you will not only know the joy of a BFP, but more importantly the happiness of holding you own healthy, living, breathing baby. I think we get so involved in attempting to achieve our dream of parenthood that sometimes we become more obsessed with getting a BFP and forget that a BFP means nothing if it does not result in a living baby.

Robyn, I’m thinking of you and praying for a positive outcome!

Marina, I’m really praying you’ll get better news at your second beta.

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  • Reply samcy

    Oh my friend, I know that I ask this question over and over and over and over, but the truth is we will never know! I wish I could make it all better, but I cannot. All I can do is offer my support and be there for you when you next get pregnant and have your real live baby!

    July 15, 2008 at 2:51 pm
  • Reply robynanne

    I don’t think anyone is lucky to experience any kind of trouble. The whole thought process of ‘at least your problems aren’t like mine’ is such a cliche but we all still fall to it from time to time. Such is the life of a human. I’m pulling for you and your friends.

    July 15, 2008 at 9:31 pm
  • Reply Elize

    Hey Sharon, I’ve also stopped asking those questions, but sometimes it comes to mind when I meet people like Chantal, Robyn and Izel and I silently wonder how they manage to keep going. Infertility is so hard because it hurts us at the core of our being; the desire for children, our commandment is to go and be fruitful and multiply. But I believe there is a purpose in everything. I’m not saying these things happen because God wants it so, I’m saying that he uses bad things and turns them around to serve a good purpose. I just wish it wasn’t so painful, and you’re right, if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else.

    July 16, 2008 at 8:40 am
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