Will It Ever End?

The effects of my infertility? And even more so, the effects of recurrent miscarriage? One of the nasty, long term side effects, is that I’m forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can no longer simply accept and revel in good things in my life. In the back of my mind I’m worrying about something going wrong.

Our adoption is exactly the same. On Saturday, I attended an infertility support brunch where the topic for discussion was Adoption and a social worker in private practice was going to share her knowledge and I was going to share my experience. During the SW’s talk, she mentioned that final adoption orders will not be granted if the bio father has not signed consent. I almost farking fainted, the rest of the brunch past in a blur, when I got home I was so distraught, convinced that the reason there had been such a long delay with ours was because our SW had forgotten to mention that we would have to wait the 2 years for the bio father to with draw consent before receiving the final order.

I spent the whole of Saturday and Sunday frantically trying to contact our SW and had my friend Roz, using her legal mind to scour the new and old child act looking for this clause. By Sunday night I was so frantic I was convinced I’d kill myself should she be removed from my care. No amount of logic or persuasion from Roz or my husband (who studied family law) would calm me down. By Monday I was living on Nurofens and by Monday night I was on to the Myprodol’s, so severe was the tension headache I’d developed. Needless to say I spent Tuesday in bed, nursing the mother of all migraines and dosed on Myprodols.

My SW finally called me back on Monday night, this is after about 10 rather hysterical voice mails and emails and sms’s to her over the past couple of days. The news she gave me should have comforted me and in terms of our adoption order is has comforted me. But it has broken my heart for my precious daughter.

The 2 year period on the final order does not apply to us, our order has been approved by social services and was passing through the courts this week and going for registration next week because………… Our BM does not know who Ava’s bio father is.

Adoption is a strange process, you can never understand it unless you’ve done it. People are surprised by the love I have for our BM. People are surprised that I keep in touch with her by sending her photo’s and emails monthly. But those feelings change once you’ve been through the process, once you understand the process, the fears you had before embarking on it do dissipate.

Those of you who have been through adoption will understand my utter devastation, I cried great big gulping sobs out of heart break for my daughter on Monday night. My heart cracked and broke knowing that this incredible, innocent, beautiful little being will NEVER fully know her roots. That one day when she’s 18 and if she so chooses, we will reunite in person with her BM but we can never ever do the same with her Bio Father.

And while I should be glad because this simplifies our adoption, I am also indescribably sad for the child I love more than words can ever convey.

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  • Reply suestuart

    Hi Sharon, I know it may not comfort now, but we have a friend who is adopted and he has never had any desire to meet his biological parents. His attitude is that his adoptive parents are his parents, and that is enough for him. Walter is Ava’s dad, and I hope that she will never miss her biological father.

    May 27, 2010 at 7:08 am
  • Reply lea2109

    Regardless of the road forward – Ava will always know how very much loved she is.

    May 27, 2010 at 9:03 am
  • Reply ldr1604

    That is a very sad situation. With you and Walter being her only Mom and Dad, I hope that Ava’s sense of security built up over the years will protect her from the possible future hurt. So this is what it means to be a mother – Feeling so bad now thinking that you child might be hurt in years from now.

    May 27, 2010 at 9:09 am
  • Reply mayflowerladybugs

    Sjoe Sharon, I am really sorry to hear about your horrible weekend. In one way or another it seems that this IF thing is just seriously the most pervasive injury one can imagine. I am glad though that the legalities are proceeding smoothly, and hope that everything will be sorted out shortly. Although not in the same position as you, I can imagine how this hurt to your precious child must hurt you, it just confirms how much you love her! And fot that she will always be a happy girl.

    May 27, 2010 at 9:35 am
  • Reply thebsdiaries

    I think the positive lies in the fact that she a) had a wonderfully sensitive BM who realised that she needed a better life and b) has a wonderful sensitive mother who will equip her emotionally to deal with whatever her past was and realise it’s out of her control and she was meant to be. She is one lucky little girl to have found you and W for parents Sharon.

    May 27, 2010 at 1:14 pm
  • Reply minkynoo

    It is so sad that Ava will never know her ‘true identity’ for want of a better word, but she has a sensitve and loving BM as well as the parents who are raising her. You have a huge heart, and there will always be that little aching bit in it, but all three of you are doing the best for her, she is a very lucky, and beautiful little girl. Well, in my opinion.

    May 27, 2010 at 2:24 pm
  • Reply skrambled

    You know, I think that you are such a good mom to Ava. Noone could ever say that you don’t have her best interests at heart! It’s great Shaz.

    May 27, 2010 at 3:21 pm
  • Reply shirl34

    Sharon, I know exactly how you feel re the bio father. After my daughter and I reunited, she has stressed to me how important it is to her to *meet* her bio dad (even thou she comes from a very loving family)..I have hunted high and low and can find no information/trace him..its like he has stepped off the face of the earth and it has been 18 years. Its very traumatic for both of us and my heart just about crumbles with heartache for her…but we will work through it and one day, so will you and Ava. ((hugs))

    May 27, 2010 at 3:48 pm
  • Reply niseysmusings

    its interesting to me how different our experiences actually are.

    i think i can speak out here because this is a private blog. i don’t like or respect my bio parents. they neglected and abused (to what extent we are uncertain) their child. he has been taken away from them but still they won’t agree to consent to adoption and are forcing him to live in limbo for 2 years.

    by way of history the bio father had 3 daughters in a state home for 2 years and never visited them. 2 have now been adopted after the 2 year period expired but the eldest is so damaged that no one wants her.

    they are allowed to visit their child while we are fostering him but in the year that he has been with us they have chosen not to.

    hopefully my feelings towards them soften one day but what do i tell my child about his history when he asks? when he wants to meet them? i know that their lives haven’t been great and they had difficult times but i still find it hard to believe that a parent doesn’t see the error in abusing a child.

    they haven’t so much as asked for a photograph of him. these people do not have his best interests at heart and i hope that he never has to know that.

    May 27, 2010 at 5:37 pm
  • Reply pandoragelb

    Asadoptive parents we have different worries on top of the normal parenting ones! My LG will also never meet her bio father. I am still not sure how I feel about that. She may never want to meet either of them. I met a lady who adopted 2 kids many years ago, and told me they only showed an interest in meeting their bio parents after they had kids of their own. In her son’s case he met the bio mother once, and then did not want further contact. The daughters bio mom had passed away, and she was disappointed, but not devastated. I hope that my daughter will be curious about her roots, but that knowing all that will not be a necessity to her, or that her happiness depends on knowing. I am going to do my best to make sure she feels secure enough not to feel ‘rootless’. We stress now already about their future hurts, how will we cope with letting them out into the world?

    May 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm
  • Reply shirl34

    @pandoragelb- Yep, my daughter has told me that she is not interested in having a relationship with her bio father, she only wants to just see him..or even a picture of him…but a part of me wonders if she just says this to protect herself?? She has clearly become very integrated into my family, calls my children her brother and sisters and communicates regularly (with permission of her adoptive mother of course). I know I am making it sound like its been easy because it hasn’t..for me and for her adoptive mother but we are making progress and slowly building the relationship and I think we still have lots of issues to iron out. For eg: We are facebook friends and when I post a picture of my youngest daughter and capture *my beautiful daughter* I immediately feel terribly guilt ridden and remove I dont want my first born to feel hurt kwim? So many small things that could potentially become huge issues in a relationship that is only at beginning stages.

    Lolz, sorry Sharon, Im rambling on but thought someone might like the prospective from a birth mother who has only just come into contact with her daughter after 17 years! 🙂

    May 28, 2010 at 8:43 am
  • Reply tan32

    Its funny you mention this It was a discussion I was having with My birthdaughers mom on Sunday. She was saying it was going to be sad that T would never know her bio Dad but at least she would know her bio family besides her Dad and his family. I had never thought of it as being sad and in a way, I dont ever want her to know him. I have pictures of him for her and I will tell her what he was like and who he turned out to be. But to be honest I never ever will want her to meet him. He was a con man and my fear is that he will only ever use her and her family to get money out of them.

    But then another part of me goes well what about her wanting to know who she is and I dont know how to answer it. I guess I just want to protect her from the man who has never done anything but evil and has never asked me about his baby since I was 5 months pregnant.

    So I guess we will know when she is older if she wants to know about him and Her Mom, Dad and I will deal with it then. Until then she will be showered in love from her family and My family. Just as you will shower Ava in love and protection.

    May 28, 2010 at 11:13 am
  • Reply samcy

    No wonder you had such a migraine! Walter is Ava’s daddy. And she got one of the best one’s ever. She’s a blessed little girl.


    May 28, 2010 at 1:42 pm
  • Reply Mash

    Your BM is far too emotionally intelligent not to know who the bio dad is. I don’t believe it for a minute. I think she’s made a strategic decision to keep him out of the paperwork.
    And even if it was the case, she might not know between two or three candidates, either way, it can be narrowed down at some point. Put it this way, if Ava had been conceived through donor sperm, in South Africa at least, she would also have no way of finding her genetic father. One day, your BM is going to sit down with Ava and explain things, of that I am 100% convinced. And the explanation she gives Ava will make sense to her, because that’s how her Bio mom is. On Child of Our Time they were saying that 50% of divorced fathers lose complete contact with their children within 2 years I think that’s much worse. They’ve actually known their children and they choose not to care!

    May 28, 2010 at 2:04 pm
  • Reply Jaded

    I would have reacted the exact same way as you – i can’t blame you. I’m so sorry you had such a hard and stressful time and am MORE than releived with you that this 2 yr period does not apply to Ava.

    May 28, 2010 at 6:30 pm
  • Reply orbit365

    This post made me feel incredibly sad for your girl. I don’t have anything of value to add but I will say that Ava will know that she is loved. Prayers and Hugs..x


    May 28, 2010 at 11:24 pm
  • Reply thebinges

    I can believe how panicked you must’ve been.

    I can honestly say to you Sharon, not knowing my biological father has never impacted on my life. My Dad is the man who married my mother, and raised me.

    Ava knows who her parents are, they’re the people who shower her with unconditional love, sit up with her at night, smile at her when she’s done nothing at all… she knows her parents are you and W, and that’s all that matters.


    May 30, 2010 at 3:59 pm
  • Reply sarahandgia

    Hi Sharon ,

    I feel exactly the same way – we also have no info on Georgias Birth Father because of the circumstances of her conception it was date rape . So I too feel for our little girl and I know that we will always protect Georgia and say it was a once off encounter that happened between her Birth Mom and her Birth Father but its difficult because we have info for Sarah on her BM and BF so we will have to be very sensitive with our explanations . The strange thing and maybe this too will change as they get older – with Sarah being nearly 8 she has only ever asked (as we have been open from the get go about her Tummy Mommy and her life story and how she came to us ) about her Birth Mom and never asked about her Birth father although he is included in her story. But I do understand the pain we feel for them our beautiful children because we love them so much we dont want them to ever feel sad or hurt about how they came to be.. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling how you do..


    May 31, 2010 at 2:32 pm
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